Local Man Spends Blizzard Weekend Wondering What Restaurants are Open

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion’.

In the midst of a January weekend blizzard,  local Northern VA resident, Norman Pilkington has only one thing on his mind: Which restaurants and other local establishments are still open? He told Channel 7 news that he has been scouring the social media accounts of many of the local spots to determine if they are still open and for how long. He goes on to say: It would be a great public service if the news media included closing details of restaurants and other venues, as they do for schools, churches, and government agencies. Twitter and Facebook have not been too helpful, they’re just too concerned with traffic updates and making sure everyone stays safe inside.

When we asked Pilkington if he would actually go to any of these places if they were open, he said: Yeah, I might see a movie if I can get the driveway clear…. then I think I’ll go grab a steak at Mike’s Grill if they’re open. I called them today, they’re not sure how long they can remain open.

At 2:45PM, we painstakingly brought our crew over to Pilkington’s residence, and we noticed that his driveway and car are still covered in white. The sad part is: We learned that he has two tickets to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens at 3:45PM with his girlfriend. He is not worried though, as he mentioned to us, he has seen the movie three times. We tried to reach his girlfriend via phone for comment, but the line was cold.

 Image source: commons.wikimedia.org



Man in Wheelchair Shocked to learn He is Disabled

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion’.



On Saturday March 1st Fred McGimp woke up to start a typical day. This time, however, he woke to a startling realization. McGimp spoke to a reporter from his local hometown in Florida. He told Channel 9 News:


It was like any other day, always waking up with that damn back pain. But once out of bed, I rolled up to my mirror as usual for the morning sexiness check, only this time I froze. Like some shocking epiphany or something, sitting in front of the mirror, I thought to myself, could I be disabled?? I hurried over to my computer. I logged on to WebMD to see if I could find symptoms of being disabled. What I found next was shocking. It said that disabled people have a wide range of symptoms, including trouble using arms or legs, and many cannot even walk.


I knew that I could use my arms and legs but I wanted to makesure I could walk, because I had already registered for the Orlando 5k Marathon. So I did the first thing anyone would do. I typed  ‘How To Walk’ into Youtube. I saw three year olds doing this walking thing, I broke the process down using my legal pad. I also created a reverse algorithm using recursion. Now, all that was left was to try it. I got up, I fell down, and then I could not figure out how to get up, and I couldn’t reach Youtube. I called the police, told them the story and now you’re here.


Yes, Mr. McGimp, the Sherrif’s Office called us, said there is a breaking story. So Mr. McGimp, how has your life changed since this shocking realization?


Well, the past three hours have certainly been reflective. It is going to be difficult on my new passion to be a long distance runner…but for some reason, all of my life, I’ve been quite used to sitting, so I figure how hard can this disabled thing really be.


Mr. McGimp, now that you look back on years past, in retrospect, was there anything that should have indicated that you have this disability?

Well, I suppose this explains my aversion to dancing, or all those times that I failed at using wall urinals, or that time I tried to propose to Madonna but fell down instead of going on my knees. I think it was lucky that the proposal failed, actually. Has she been a lesbian for some time now? I can’t remember.


What would you like to say to others who may be experiencing the same realization?

At first accepting a reality like this can be difficult, but if you give it some time, you’ll get used to it, and you can overcome challenges, just like me, laying on this carpet for three hours. At first, the carpet tasted kind of funny, but then I realized it has more of a salty flavor, and mixed with saliva, it kind of tastes like a salty soft rice-cake, but three hours is good enough, I think I should get up soon.


Thank you for your time, Mr. McGimp.


Hey wait…..



Sounds like Channel 9 left too quickly, lets hope he didn’t need help reaching Youtube.