Local Baha’i Man Thinks Every Positive Moment in His Life is Divine Confirmation

bmb-3967427-previewThe Bahá’í House of Worship in Wilmette, Illinois, U.S.A. 

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion.’

Lootsville, PA- Baha’i congregants in the town of Lootsville have reported that one of their adherents, Neiman Divinicus is pathologically convinced that every positive detail of his life is “Confirmation.” Every time we go out and have a peaceful dinner with our kids, he says, this was divine confirmation,  Bahá’u’lláh (The prophet founder of The Baha’i Faithwas with us, his wife says. She continues: This morning he woke up, and remembered my birthday, and said: Happy Birthday honey, the fact that I remember it is your birthday is God’s confirmation that I married the right woman, and you married the right man. In the Baha’i community, he can be heard muttering confirmation, confirmation every time his suggestions become seconded or recommended during consultations. When Mr. Divinicus receives likes for his posts on Facebook, he replies: Thank you all for your confirmations #blessed. Community members say he was caught yelling his favorite word during the local Baha’i election because he realized he was elected into the Local Spiritual Assembly. Some community members have tried telling Divinicus that not everything that happens to us should be seen as an act of God. In Baha’i scripture and tradition, a confirmation is known as a blessing derived from God when an individual exercises virtue or is doing an act of service.  Divinicus is still not convinced, and  believes those thin Jeans he was gifted are  a divine confirmation from God that he is eating healthy.


Local Baha’i Man Converts to Atheism to Lose Weight.


Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion’.

Waffletown, VA– Local Baha’i Faith congregant Norman Foodleman, A Baha’i of 30 years, recently withdrew his name from the Baha’i community. He told his local Baha’i administrative body (Local Spiritual Assembly) that he was steadily gaining weight, and that a significant portion of the calories he consumed came from attending various Baha’i functions. I spoke with Norman, and he regaled me with stories of foods that he had eaten over the years: My favorite snack is the saffron rice pudding. Many of the Baha’is in Waffletown are Persian, and Saffron Rice Pudding is a Persian delicacy, often served at funerals. I have often found myself at funerals eating rice pudding, with an uncharacteristic smile on my face and exuberance in my heart. Norman also spoke to me regarding the food spreads he would see at the once every 19 days Baha’i services (aptly known as a Baha’i ‘feast’): Once every 19 days, Bahai’s come together and  have feast. The program includes : A devotional , an administration, and finally, a social portion. During the social portion, Waffletown Baha’is set out a large table full of refreshments including non-alcoholic beverages, tea, and coffee. Often times, the refreshments have been gluttonous, including potato salad, chips, cookies,  beef cutlets, and even red velvet cake. I recall a few special times when an ambitious community member brought Kabobs! One of the best gastro benefits of being Baha’i is increased exposure to Kabobs! I heard a few more similar stories, then I asked Norman how his weight loss experience has gone, he continues: Before my conversion to Atheism, I was 225 pounds. I was attending Baha’i functions, and committee meetings, at least three times per week. Isn’t it fun that we often eat during our committee meetings? It really added diverse flavors to the consultative process. Now, as an Atheist for 9 months, I am down to 170 pounds.   Norman elaborates: As many of your readers probably know, Atheists meet up together far less than their religious brethren, and as such, exposure to gluttonous foods is rare. I loved being a Baha’i, but for the benefit of my health, I had to renounce my faith. I still believe in Unity of Mankind, Gender Equity, the Oneness of Religion, Progressive Revelation, and other Baha’i principles…. It was great speaking with you…. and to the Atheists reading this article I say: I love you, but you cannot ban me for my beliefs, you have no formal institution. I guess religion outsmarted you with their organizational skills.

I concluded my interview with Foodleman, wondering  what more these Baha’is were  about, perhaps I will buy stretchy pants before going to their services and interviewing them. Stay tuned to the Waffletown Gazette for more to come!