Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion.’
Lootsville, PA- Baha’i congregants in the town of Lootsville have reported that one of their adherents, Neiman Divinicus is pathologically convinced that every positive detail of his life is “Confirmation.” Every time we go out and have a peaceful dinner with our kids, he says, this was divine confirmation, Bahá’u’lláh (The prophet founder of The Baha’i Faith) was with us, his wife says. She continues: This morning he woke up, and remembered my birthday, and said: Happy Birthday honey, the fact that I remember it is your birthday is God’s confirmation that I married the right woman, and you married the right man. In the Baha’i community, he can be heard muttering confirmation, confirmation every time his suggestions become seconded or recommended during consultations. When Mr. Divinicus receives likes for his posts on Facebook, he replies: Thank you all for your confirmations #blessed. Community members say he was caught yelling his favorite word during the local Baha’i election because he realized he was elected into the Local Spiritual Assembly. Some community members have tried telling Divinicus that not everything that happens to us should be seen as an act of God. In Baha’i scripture and tradition, a confirmation is known as a blessing derived from God when an individual exercises virtue or is doing an act of service. Divinicus is still not convinced, and believes those thin Jeans he was gifted are a divine confirmation from God that he is eating healthy.