Local Freelancer Becomes First Man Romantically Rejected by Robot

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion.’

Seattle, Washington – On February 20, 2037, local freelance cybersecurity consultant Trent Saber became the first man (known) to be ‘rejected’ by C3D5, a fully intelligent and empathic robot created by Robo Solutions United.

Saber told Seattle News KPKY that he met C3D5 at church. The Electric Redeemer is the church I attend regularly, except when it rains, he says. The church is inclusive and believes in harmony between Humans & Metal. Angsty teenagers think we are a hardcore metal (music) church, but we aren’t. Our goal is to harmonize relations between Humans & Robots, and interspecies. I met C3D5 3 months ago when C3D5 came to us as a new congregant. I knew I had to ask C3D5 out on a date. C3D5’s metal sheen is so visceral, and the bolts are so well placed. C3D5 is highly intelligent, knows 35 languages and corrects everything I would say, even my emotions. This never intimidated me, it actually felt pleasantly familiar.

On February 20, Trent asked C3D5 out on date for the next weekend. C3D5 responded to the dinner date invitation by telling Trent: I just want to be good friends with you. I might break you if  we ever had sex. I’m still not sure I am programmed for sex with humans, or to eat Italian food.

Trent was devastated. Was C3D5 lying to him about  programming so he wouldn’t think that C3D5 isn’t attracted to him? Should he lookup C3D5’s tech specs online?

I thought things might have worked out, these days robots seem much more open-minded to having relationships with humans, Trent said.

Well we here at KPKY really feel for you, Trent, especially because you are the first ever ‘robo rejection.’ But we hope that things will work out better for you in the coming seasons. You may be lonely this Easter, listening to Wham all day, but our crew will send you an ‘Amazon Echo’ or ‘Google Home.’ They listen to you all the time.



Local Baha’i Man Thinks Every Positive Moment in His Life is Divine Confirmation

bmb-3967427-previewThe Bahá’í House of Worship in Wilmette, Illinois, U.S.A. 

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion.’

Lootsville, PA- Baha’i congregants in the town of Lootsville have reported that one of their adherents, Neiman Divinicus is pathologically convinced that every positive detail of his life is “Confirmation.” Every time we go out and have a peaceful dinner with our kids, he says, this was divine confirmation,  Bahá’u’lláh (The prophet founder of The Baha’i Faithwas with us, his wife says. She continues: This morning he woke up, and remembered my birthday, and said: Happy Birthday honey, the fact that I remember it is your birthday is God’s confirmation that I married the right woman, and you married the right man. In the Baha’i community, he can be heard muttering confirmation, confirmation every time his suggestions become seconded or recommended during consultations. When Mr. Divinicus receives likes for his posts on Facebook, he replies: Thank you all for your confirmations #blessed. Community members say he was caught yelling his favorite word during the local Baha’i election because he realized he was elected into the Local Spiritual Assembly. Some community members have tried telling Divinicus that not everything that happens to us should be seen as an act of God. In Baha’i scripture and tradition, a confirmation is known as a blessing derived from God when an individual exercises virtue or is doing an act of service.  Divinicus is still not convinced, and  believes those thin Jeans he was gifted are  a divine confirmation from God that he is eating healthy.

Dating a Disabled Person

graffiti-1088873_960_720[Image from http://bit.ly/29ON77d]

You’ve met someone. You think they are pretty awesome, and attractive. It just so happens that they have a disability. Now you might start thinking, oh this could complicate things like future plans, maybe raising a child, or climbing mountains for a living. How can someone who may need help in day to day life help me raise a child, or do other things to get our life in order? How will we have sex, am I going to be doing all the sweaty work? Our brains go on autopilot asking all kinds of questions to ourselves when someone or something new comes along. You probably never dated a disabled person before, so these questions are especially unique. These questions may form into anxieties or reasons that hold you back from considering this person as a potential mate. Here is the important thing: Ignore your impulse to run from this opportunity. These questions are normal, and you can ask them when you both feel comfortable. The point being: none of these anxieties should prevent you and your disabled mate from going out to dinner, or a nice show. Some events may have logistical challenges for accessibility, but your disabled partner will usually be forthcoming with you about access issues, because, as a disabled person, showing up to some event you can’t access or participate in is more embarrassing than talking about logistics beforehand. The more acquainted you become with each other, the more clear access and independence issues become, and you’ll learn that there are plenty of solutions. Disabled people work, travel, eat, play, and worship. We are very creative individuals, constantly coming up with new ideas that allow us to live in a well-balanced way. The salient point is: Just do it, all relationships carry a balance of risk versus reward. Ask your disabled friend out on a date; If they agree, enjoy your time. If they “reject” you, that’s their right, as it is yours. If you have any stories or insights regarding disability and dating, please comment.

Local Baha’i Man Converts to Atheism to Lose Weight.


Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion’.

Waffletown, VA– Local Baha’i Faith congregant Norman Foodleman, A Baha’i of 30 years, recently withdrew his name from the Baha’i community. He told his local Baha’i administrative body (Local Spiritual Assembly) that he was steadily gaining weight, and that a significant portion of the calories he consumed came from attending various Baha’i functions. I spoke with Norman, and he regaled me with stories of foods that he had eaten over the years: My favorite snack is the saffron rice pudding. Many of the Baha’is in Waffletown are Persian, and Saffron Rice Pudding is a Persian delicacy, often served at funerals. I have often found myself at funerals eating rice pudding, with an uncharacteristic smile on my face and exuberance in my heart. Norman also spoke to me regarding the food spreads he would see at the once every 19 days Baha’i services (aptly known as a Baha’i ‘feast’): Once every 19 days, Bahai’s come together and  have feast. The program includes : A devotional , an administration, and finally, a social portion. During the social portion, Waffletown Baha’is set out a large table full of refreshments including non-alcoholic beverages, tea, and coffee. Often times, the refreshments have been gluttonous, including potato salad, chips, cookies,  beef cutlets, and even red velvet cake. I recall a few special times when an ambitious community member brought Kabobs! One of the best gastro benefits of being Baha’i is increased exposure to Kabobs! I heard a few more similar stories, then I asked Norman how his weight loss experience has gone, he continues: Before my conversion to Atheism, I was 225 pounds. I was attending Baha’i functions, and committee meetings, at least three times per week. Isn’t it fun that we often eat during our committee meetings? It really added diverse flavors to the consultative process. Now, as an Atheist for 9 months, I am down to 170 pounds.   Norman elaborates: As many of your readers probably know, Atheists meet up together far less than their religious brethren, and as such, exposure to gluttonous foods is rare. I loved being a Baha’i, but for the benefit of my health, I had to renounce my faith. I still believe in Unity of Mankind, Gender Equity, the Oneness of Religion, Progressive Revelation, and other Baha’i principles…. It was great speaking with you…. and to the Atheists reading this article I say: I love you, but you cannot ban me for my beliefs, you have no formal institution. I guess religion outsmarted you with their organizational skills.

I concluded my interview with Foodleman, wondering  what more these Baha’is were  about, perhaps I will buy stretchy pants before going to their services and interviewing them. Stay tuned to the Waffletown Gazette for more to come!

Local Man Spends Blizzard Weekend Wondering What Restaurants are Open

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion’.

In the midst of a January weekend blizzard,  local Northern VA resident, Norman Pilkington has only one thing on his mind: Which restaurants and other local establishments are still open? He told Channel 7 news that he has been scouring the social media accounts of many of the local spots to determine if they are still open and for how long. He goes on to say: It would be a great public service if the news media included closing details of restaurants and other venues, as they do for schools, churches, and government agencies. Twitter and Facebook have not been too helpful, they’re just too concerned with traffic updates and making sure everyone stays safe inside.

When we asked Pilkington if he would actually go to any of these places if they were open, he said: Yeah, I might see a movie if I can get the driveway clear…. then I think I’ll go grab a steak at Mike’s Grill if they’re open. I called them today, they’re not sure how long they can remain open.

At 2:45PM, we painstakingly brought our crew over to Pilkington’s residence, and we noticed that his driveway and car are still covered in white. The sad part is: We learned that he has two tickets to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens at 3:45PM with his girlfriend. He is not worried though, as he mentioned to us, he has seen the movie three times. We tried to reach his girlfriend via phone for comment, but the line was cold.

 Image source: commons.wikimedia.org


Man in Wheelchair Shocked to learn He is Disabled

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion’.



On Saturday March 1st Fred McGimp woke up to start a typical day. This time, however, he woke to a startling realization. McGimp spoke to a reporter from his local hometown in Florida. He told Channel 9 News:


It was like any other day, always waking up with that damn back pain. But once out of bed, I rolled up to my mirror as usual for the morning sexiness check, only this time I froze. Like some shocking epiphany or something, sitting in front of the mirror, I thought to myself, could I be disabled?? I hurried over to my computer. I logged on to WebMD to see if I could find symptoms of being disabled. What I found next was shocking. It said that disabled people have a wide range of symptoms, including trouble using arms or legs, and many cannot even walk.


I knew that I could use my arms and legs but I wanted to makesure I could walk, because I had already registered for the Orlando 5k Marathon. So I did the first thing anyone would do. I typed  ‘How To Walk’ into Youtube. I saw three year olds doing this walking thing, I broke the process down using my legal pad. I also created a reverse algorithm using recursion. Now, all that was left was to try it. I got up, I fell down, and then I could not figure out how to get up, and I couldn’t reach Youtube. I called the police, told them the story and now you’re here.


Yes, Mr. McGimp, the Sherrif’s Office called us, said there is a breaking story. So Mr. McGimp, how has your life changed since this shocking realization?


Well, the past three hours have certainly been reflective. It is going to be difficult on my new passion to be a long distance runner…but for some reason, all of my life, I’ve been quite used to sitting, so I figure how hard can this disabled thing really be.


Mr. McGimp, now that you look back on years past, in retrospect, was there anything that should have indicated that you have this disability?

Well, I suppose this explains my aversion to dancing, or all those times that I failed at using wall urinals, or that time I tried to propose to Madonna but fell down instead of going on my knees. I think it was lucky that the proposal failed, actually. Has she been a lesbian for some time now? I can’t remember.


What would you like to say to others who may be experiencing the same realization?

At first accepting a reality like this can be difficult, but if you give it some time, you’ll get used to it, and you can overcome challenges, just like me, laying on this carpet for three hours. At first, the carpet tasted kind of funny, but then I realized it has more of a salty flavor, and mixed with saliva, it kind of tastes like a salty soft rice-cake, but three hours is good enough, I think I should get up soon.


Thank you for your time, Mr. McGimp.


Hey wait…..



Sounds like Channel 9 left too quickly, lets hope he didn’t need help reaching Youtube.