Local Freelancer Becomes First Man Romantically Rejected by Robot

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion.’

Seattle, Washington – On February 20, 2037, local freelance cybersecurity consultant Trent Saber became the first man (known) to be ‘rejected’ by C3D5, a fully intelligent and empathic robot created by Robo Solutions United.

Saber told Seattle News KPKY that he met C3D5 at church. The Electric Redeemer is the church I attend regularly, except when it rains, he says. The church is inclusive and believes in harmony between Humans & Metal. Angsty teenagers think we are a hardcore metal (music) church, but we aren’t. Our goal is to harmonize relations between Humans & Robots, and interspecies. I met C3D5 3 months ago when C3D5 came to us as a new congregant. I knew I had to ask C3D5 out on a date. C3D5’s metal sheen is so visceral, and the bolts are so well placed. C3D5 is highly intelligent, knows 35 languages and corrects everything I would say, even my emotions. This never intimidated me, it actually felt pleasantly familiar.

On February 20, Trent asked C3D5 out on date for the next weekend. C3D5 responded to the dinner date invitation by telling Trent: I just want to be good friends with you. I might break you if  we ever had sex. I’m still not sure I am programmed for sex with humans, or to eat Italian food.

Trent was devastated. Was C3D5 lying to him about  programming so he wouldn’t think that C3D5 isn’t attracted to him? Should he lookup C3D5’s tech specs online?

I thought things might have worked out, these days robots seem much more open-minded to having relationships with humans, Trent said.

Well we here at KPKY really feel for you, Trent, especially because you are the first ever ‘robo rejection.’ But we hope that things will work out better for you in the coming seasons. You may be lonely this Easter, listening to Wham all day, but our crew will send you an ‘Amazon Echo’ or ‘Google Home.’ They listen to you all the time.

  

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Local Man Spends Blizzard Weekend Wondering What Restaurants are Open

Inspired by the style of ‘The Onion’.

In the midst of a January weekend blizzard,  local Northern VA resident, Norman Pilkington has only one thing on his mind: Which restaurants and other local establishments are still open? He told Channel 7 news that he has been scouring the social media accounts of many of the local spots to determine if they are still open and for how long. He goes on to say: It would be a great public service if the news media included closing details of restaurants and other venues, as they do for schools, churches, and government agencies. Twitter and Facebook have not been too helpful, they’re just too concerned with traffic updates and making sure everyone stays safe inside.

When we asked Pilkington if he would actually go to any of these places if they were open, he said: Yeah, I might see a movie if I can get the driveway clear…. then I think I’ll go grab a steak at Mike’s Grill if they’re open. I called them today, they’re not sure how long they can remain open.

At 2:45PM, we painstakingly brought our crew over to Pilkington’s residence, and we noticed that his driveway and car are still covered in white. The sad part is: We learned that he has two tickets to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens at 3:45PM with his girlfriend. He is not worried though, as he mentioned to us, he has seen the movie three times. We tried to reach his girlfriend via phone for comment, but the line was cold.

 Image source: commons.wikimedia.org

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